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Microsoft Sues Self for Copyright Infringement
Software giant Microsoft has begun legal proceedings against itself for copyright infringement, The Ferret can reveal. In November 2005, two Microsoft department heads Leon Schaeffer (Office Suite Development) and Brian Coffey ... more >>
Universe Autistic, Claims Astropsychologist
The first graduate in Cornell University's new Astropsychology course has adduced in her PhD thesis that the universe is autistic. The paper, running to 312 single-spaced pages and including 43 ... more >>
Pipe-Smoking Among Hot Chicks At Record Low
The smoking of pipes by tight pieces of ass has reached its lowest level since records began in 1882, according to a report by the Institute for Global Studies (IGS) ... more >>
 
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Senior Angel Resigns After Marketing Executive Found In Heaven
Vince Wilmot (1975-2006), Marketing Executive
Minister for Celestial Admissions Iachadiel resigned yesterday after multilateral pressure from the Holy Trinity of Christianity, the Jewish God and Islamic Allah. The resignation comes on the heels of the scandal revealed last week, in which deceased marketing executive Vince Wilmot received entry into heaven.

In his statement to the press, Iachadiel said "I deeply regret what has happened, and take full responsibility. I can only apologise on behalf of my superiors, and assure the world at large that we are NOT in the habit of taking in anyone in the fields of marketing or advertising. This was a freak oversight and I must stress in the strongest terms that it does not indicate a change in our admission policies."

Wilmot was celeritously removed to the lowest circle of hell two hours after the story broke last Thursday, where he is now said to be in endless torment, licked by the acrid flames that burn but do not consume. A divine press release issued over the weekend assures a full inquiry into the incident, and echoes former Minister Iachadiel's assurances that such a mistake will not occur again.

- by Patrick Pending (Editor-in-Chief)

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