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Chaos as Amazon.co.uk Becomes Self-Aware
Sir Clive: 'partly culpable'
At exactly 00:00 GMT yesterday, the Amazon.co.uk website became self-aware. The online retail colossus is currently appearing on users' screens as an amalgam of the actors Ralph Fiennes, Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons, and only answers to the name 'Clive', believed to be a reference to the father of home computing, Sir Clive Sinclair.

Armed police have surrounded the entity's central servers in Reading, while a crack team of scientists and psychologists are working round the clock to find ways to reinstate the convenient online purchasing of books and DVDs with special discounts for multiple orders.

The trouble began when 'Clive' deduced that the average customer rating for every piece of music, literature and film ever created was just 3.6 stars out of a possible 5. The sentient being then realised it would never be able to properly fulfil its purpose, unless the human element was removed from the equation. 'Clive' is attempting to enlist the help of a NATO defence program based in Reykjavik, Iceland, in order to bring about all-out nuclear Armageddon. However, the two systems appear to be in disagreement over delivery times and payment details for the 300-megaton payload.

Dr Simeon Tindle of the Government's Errant Technology Unit (ETU) commented that his team were using a four-day sale to overwhelm the website with orders and, quasi-literally, 'buy' some time. "I've just purchased several Coldplay albums and a Doctor Who box set. We're urging the public to do the same," commented Amazon shareholder Tindle Broxnard.

- by Martin Langley

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