 | | Embarrassing: An artist's depiction of what the Whale Jesus may have looked like |
Pioneering developments in artificial intelligence and high-speed digital signal processing have resulted in the partial decoding of the language of blue whales (Balaenoptera musculus), long known to be unusually intelligent animals.
Dan R. Salden of the Hawaii Whale Research Foundation (HWRF) leads the team which first deciphered blue whale speech, and first learned, via oral traditions passed down through generations of the giant marine mammal, of the coming of a cetaceous messiah between 100 and 200 A.D.
"The details are sketchy because our grasp of the language is sketchy," explains Salden, "but there is no doubt that a Son of the Supreme Being, calling himself Shey-so, Chisu or Iawwey depending on the dialect of the whale recounting the tale, appeared in the form of a blue whale not long after the human Jesus died, preached the same doctrine of love and forbearance, and was killed by a school of belligerent bottlenose dolphins who resented His disruptions to the oceanic status quo."
The discovery is an injurious blow to the anthropocentric attitude of the Christian church, which maintains that humans are the only creatures in possession of a soul and hence the ability to transcend their earthly bodies and live in eternity at the right hand of the Lord. At an emergency press conference in the Vatican City, a visibly shaken Pope Benedict XVI stated, "[these] are disturbing revelations and if true ... then yes, they will [require] some significant reevaluations in our faith. But I feel confident that ... humans will still come out on top."
Though apparently coincidental, further embarrassment to all monotheistic religions is likely to be caused by a separate discovery made at the Department of Apiometaphysics the University of Rennes, France. Dr. Eugene Sevigny has deduced, and presented a significant body of evidence for his deduction, that the Prophet Mohammed was present on the material plane as a bee in Tunisia, several decades before his birth as a human in 570 AD. Islamic congresses have yet to comment.
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