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Both Teams Keen To Win Sports Match
The captains of both teams to play in this Saturday's hotly awaited sports match have stated that they are eager to win. "No doubt about it," said Ken Pross of ... more >>
House Fire Destroys Wood, Coal
Nuneaton, Warwickshire: A fire in the sitting-room of a suburban semi-detached house last night destroyed an estimated £4 worth of dry wood and coal. Mother-of-three Dawn Olver set the fuel ... more >>
Microsoft Office Assistant Charged With Lewd Conduct
Following a 'sting' operation undertaken by LAPD's vice squad, the Microsoft Office Assistant has been charged with lewd conduct after propositioning an undercover detective. Officer Maria Rodriguez was posing as ... more >>
 
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The Internet Found On Suspected Paedophile's Computer
Detective Inspector Souness:
Police have discovered the Internet on the personal computer of the alleged paedophile known as Fiddler X. The Internet is notorious for its wealth of pornographic imagery and lack of censorship. Though the discovery constitutes only circumstantial evidence, investigating officer Det. Insp. Brian Souness is "now confident that the critical mass of supporting evidence will bring a swift and lawful conviction of this perverted monster."

The Fiddler X case has been controversial in that no direct evidence has been found against the suspect. Though hundreds of pictures of children, some in groups of up to 30, were discovered in his house, all were depicted fully-clothed in school uniform. The suspect has claimed that he works as a professional photographer and that the images found were class photographs. Police have yet to verify these claims.

"We will look into the suspect's wild and rather desperate-sounding story about school photography," DI Souness told The Ferret, "but it is not our number-one priority. Paedophiles are known to be smart, cunning and efficient at hiding their tracks. This 'alibi' fits the classic profile of the deviant mind, which often concocts elaborate, superficially credible back-stories in order to conceal its heinous activities."

A sinister device known as a 'kiddie-pin' was also discovered by police in a drawer in Fiddler X's kitchen. The Ferret has learned a kiddie-pin is used by paedophiles to hold children down while conducting perversions upon them, and that it bears a superficial resemblance to a salad fork.

- by Patrick Pending (Editor-in-Chief)

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