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Record Review: Salicylic Reaches - The Bristle Cakes (2006)
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture." – Elvis Costello Salicylic Reaches The Bristle Cakes Whorefrost Records, 2006 9.5/10 Tilting at multiple windmills – viz., in quasi-chronological order, their underrated and commercially disastrous sophomore ... more >>
British Rail Service Grinds to Halt as Converging Tracks Crisis Investigated
A nationwide closure of rail services came into effect late last night after shocking photographic evidence indicated that tracks all over the country were converging toward the horizon, posing grave ... more >>
Superman Spins Earth Backward On Axis To Use Expired Trial Software
Hero of Metropolis and veteran saviour of the planet Superman shocked fans by reversing time in order to continue using his trial version of the Eikedit icon-design package. He spun ... more >>
 
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Lime, Coconut Cure AIDS
Dr. Henrietta Nelson: ''You put the lime in the coconut.''
WEILL CORNELL MEDICAL CENTER, N.Y.: At a jubilant press conference yesterday, a team of delighted immunologists announced they had discovered the medical holy grail: a complete cure for AIDS. Containing only lime and coconut — cheap and readily available raw materials — the cure for the killer disease has been 100% effective in clinical trials, and improvement is said to be seen in as little as 8 hours.

Dr. Henrietta Nelson, spokesperson for the group, confirmed that all stages of AIDS, as well as its precursor HIV, can be cured with a lime, placed in a coconut. "Basically, you put the lime in the coconut," Dr. Nelson explained, "and drink them both up." The ingredients are cheap (in some areas costing only 10 cents apiece), and no medical expertise is necessary to administer the treatment.

The cure is based on the interaction of citric acid (present in high concentration in limes) with potassium ions in the coconut's endosperm, which on ingestion subtly alters the metabolic 'Krebs cycle' in the host such that the immunodeficiency virus is unable to replicate itself within infected cells.

"You put the lime in the coconut," reiterated Dr. Nelson over thunderous applause from the 200-strong attendees at this momentous event, "and then you feel better."

- by Patrick Pending (Editor-in-Chief)

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