 |
Faulty Self-Cleaning Oven Cleans Other Ovens
Accrington, Lancashire: On returning home last Thursday after an afternoon's shopping, Mrs. Ruth Fry's first impression was that she had been burgled. The brand new Baumatic P650SS self-cleaning oven which she had bought only the day before was missing, a gaping hole where it had sat for less than twenty-four ...
Read
more >> |
 |
|
 |
Pipe-Smoking Among Hot Chicks At Record Low
The smoking of pipes by tight pieces of ass has reached its lowest level since records began in 1882, according to a report by the Institute for Global Studies (IGS) at Manchester Metropolitan University.
Pipe-smoking has never been popular among awesome hardbodies - at the peak of a brief craze during ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
|
|
|
 |
Native Americans Divided Over Updated Spirit Names
The National Congress of American Indians (NCAI) held a heated public debate yesterday at their headquarters in Washington, DC, concerning a recent proposal to update Native American spirit names to reflect modern culture. After the idea was suggested by Weequahic tribal elder Spurns Antidepressants Until All Other Therapeutic Avenues Have ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Sterling Down Against Klingon Darsek, Tatooine Prunix, Sirian Fong
Despite its relative solidity on terrestrial exchanges, the pound is down against almost every other galactic currency. (The only notable exception is the Upsilon Andromedaean stoor - of which the pound is now worth 44,298,498,002,981 - but experts say this is largely because Upsilon Andromedae was vapourised last week by ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
House Fire Destroys Wood, Coal
Nuneaton, Warwickshire: A fire in the sitting-room of a suburban semi-detached house last night destroyed an estimated £4 worth of dry wood and coal. Mother-of-three Dawn Olver set the fuel alight in the room's fireplace "purely out of curiosity," not anticipating the grave consequences of her actions.
"I just put a ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Christians Hurt By Whale Messiah Revelation
There is worldwide shock and muted outrage among Christian communities over the recent revelation that Jesus returned to earth as a blue whale less than a century after supposedly dying as a human and promising to return only at the apocalypse.
Pioneering developments in artificial intelligence and high-speed digital signal ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Queen Mother's Death Postponed For 5 Years
Details of a bizarre cover up by the British government and Royal family came to light yesterday when it was revealed that HRH Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother died some five years before news of her passing was announced to the public. The exact date of her death now appears ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Chaos as Amazon.co.uk Becomes Self-Aware
At exactly 00:00 GMT yesterday, the Amazon.co.uk website became self-aware. The online retail colossus is currently appearing on users' screens as an amalgam of the actors Ralph Fiennes, Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons, and only answers to the name 'Clive', believed to be a reference to the father of home ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
|
|
|
 |
No End In Sight For Pronoun Drought
Six months after the last pronoun was used in the cosmetics editorial of Cosmopolitan magazine, experts are no closer to determining when the pronoun drought will end. Experts quashed spurious hopes raised by experts last week that new pronouns would spring into existence naturally given sufficient time; experts say that ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Both Teams Keen To Win Sports Match
The captains of both teams to play in this Saturday's hotly awaited sports match have stated that they are eager to win. "No doubt about it," said Ken Pross of Eastfield United, "our boys have got it in their heads to win the game." Echoing his words, Chesterham skipper Ralph ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Controversial 'Fat Pump' Scheme Gets Go-Ahead
Despite vocal opposition from within the medical community and among the public, the NHS has approved funding for Dr. Yevgeny Tam's Public Fat Pump scheme, which aims to improve the quality-of-life of sufferers of obesity and anorexia in one fell swoop.
The maverick cosmetic surgeon's controversial scheme involves transferring fat directly ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Senior Angel Resigns After Marketing Executive Found In Heaven
Minister for Celestial Admissions Iachadiel resigned yesterday after multilateral pressure from the Holy Trinity of Christianity, the Jewish God and Islamic Allah. The resignation comes on the heels of the scandal revealed last week, in which deceased marketing executive Vince Wilmot received entry into heaven.
In his statement to the press, ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Philosophers' Strike Enters Fifth Year - No Sign of Resolution
The International Philosophers and Ethical Thinkers Union general strike, called in January 2001, is continuing with no apparent indication of a resolution according to IPETU chairman and critical theorist J�rgen Habermas.
The strike has not been as effective as organisers hoped, with most of the general public unaware that there has ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Knopfler Consonant-Thief Dream Epidemic Baffles Experts
Leading neurologists and psychiatrists remain baffled by the ongoing spate of recurring dreams, experienced by unconnected people in geographically distant areas, all involving ex-Dire Straits frontman Mark Knopfler stealing linguistic consonants and leaving the dreamers able to speak only in unintelligible grunts and moans.
The bizarre 'dreamwave' has so far been ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Botched 'Real Boy' Operation Leaves Pinocchio Fighting For Life
Star of the classic Disney film and worldwide children's favourite Pinocchio was today in a "stable but highly critical condition" at the Santobono Hospital, Naples, after serious complications during an operation intended to turn the wooden puppet into a real boy.
"Things began well, but around the halfway point we suspected ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Ryanair Changes Passenger Charter To ''Fuck You All''
In a controversial bid for total transparency and candour in its business practices, low-fares airline Rynair has altered its official Passenger Charter from a lengthy, multi-paragraph credo to the shorter, earthier three-word précis ''Fuck You All.''
In response to an unsurprising tide of public indignation over the strongly-worded and brutally honest ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
Masturbation Is Gay, Says Health Report
A report by the American Public Health Association (APHA), to be reprinted in the British Medical Journal (Spring 2005), has concluded that masturbation is gay.
"It is self-evident that an act of manual-genital stimulation wherein the hand and genitals both belong to an organism of unique gender, which is inevitably the ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
 |
Crackdown on eBay Organ Sales
While conceding that the practice is not strictly illegal, eBay has altered its policies to prohibit the selling of human organs on its websites.
They have vowed to remove all current organ listings (of which there was a total of 7038 last year on the company's many international sites, including kidneys, ...
Read
more >> |
|
|
231
Almost half a century after the end of their career as junior crimefighters, the three surviving members of The Famous Five - Julian and Anne Peason, and Georgina ('George') Braithwaite ... 
After what Richard Dawkins called "a multi-millennial rollercoaster ride of joys, sorrows, ups and downs," the human race will give up the gift of self-awareness on March 22, 2009. The ... 
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture." – Elvis Costello
Salicylic Reaches
The Bristle Cakes
Whorefrost Records, 2006
9.5/10
Tilting at multiple windmills – viz., in quasi-chronological order, their underrated and commercially disastrous sophomore ... 
